feel your entire life, every moment and everyday.

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Pain

aspiring to evolve out of pain—especially when you’ve experienced utter devastation more than once—is initially very appealing. This idea that we can evolve perfectly, that we can respond perfectly in any given instance, instead of being emotional or ‘imperfect’ at times. The notion that we should have this ability to smile and wave goodbye, in peace, at someone we loved deeply, despite not getting the relational outcome you wished for—if we only were perfect enough; perfectly ‘enough’.

just a few weeks ago i got my hopes up about something that momentarily let me down. in that moment i had a thought ‘i have to find a way to never feel this pain of disappointment ever again’

where does pain come from?

we hold onto things in life,

just to get by.

we place our hope in sandcastles that the wind-of-truth inevitably blows away, or at least shakes really hard until we finally decide to start searching for some cement to build our home with and solid ground to lay that foundation on. 

for me though, finding my own solid ground hasn’t meant achieving some idea of ‘perfection’ in my emotionality; rather it has meant an assured confidence in my understanding ; understanding of myself and the way i experience the world around me. 

i am allowed to feel; however i feel in any given moment. it’s all valid and it is all my responsibility.

why is it hard to feel pain?

one thing that i have learned about the self is that feeling your life—the entire thing—can be hard. However, it is only through allowing our feelings to pass fully through us that we can come to new conclusions about ourselves and the world around us and ultimately creates more room within us to express and experience love. but in so many ways we run away from our emotions. scrolling on any social media outlet is a great example of that.

i can remember a time when i first moved to los angeles. i had been running from a certain feeling for a while, with busyness. it was as if this great big cloud was following me everywhere. it was filled with rain and it wanted me to feel it. i ran and i ran but it always stayed in eye view of my sprint. one day finally decided that i was just going to stop running and i was going to feel it. i lay in my bed one sunny day in los angeles, under my covers. i was afraid of what might happen if i felt that cloud, but i was feeling brave. my emotions bubbled to the surface. this is the moment when i would usually run but instead i stayed still. i laid still. in my cool bedroom of the fourth floor of my apartment building. my emotions rushed in and i cried, then i got really angry, then a subtle trembling came over me, i felt shame, it was very very painful. i was afraid but i didn’t move. and eventually it passed on. the cloud broke up and some light came in. i have never felt that way since. its been years.

my EP is named Phoenix

Phoenix is my exploration of what it would mean for me to be ‘okay’ on my own terms and by means of my own definition. In my search, i didn’t find that i simply lived with a smile on my face at all times. I found that hard emotions benefitted good emotions and that i had to discover healthier ways to allow my self to feel my painful feelings. they were signaling me to go deeper and in some instances they were signaling me to fight back, but either way my response always had to be proactive because time itself doesn’t solve anything. 

 

the sounds are fun + retro + romantic but the words tell a deeper story.

 

a story about feeling your entire life

 

xoxo,

amber

 

ps. I would love to hear your thoughts on feeling your entire life. Do you have a healthy relationship with pain? not according to anyone else’s standards but your own. sound off in the comments below ❤

live show and revised book!

Hey hey: )
did you guys catch my live show interview about my book and my brand? you can watch the recorded version below. tell me what you think about it in my comments section, i’d love to hear your thoughts. also, the revised version of boombox is available now!

live show interview with relate with steph

 

-xoxo

amber b

the power of choice and time

the power of choice and time by amber b coleman

i have been so convicted about choice and time lately. so so deeply moved by the power of our personal choice and the ruthlessness of ‘time’. time is so ruthless! it does not care what your starting point in life is, doesn’t care if you’re having a bad day, doesn’t care if you refuse to let go of self-doubt and crippling perfectionism. it just continues to move forward with or without your beneficial choices.

time is like the ocean, sun, wind and moon. its like animals and sand. they will continue to BE with or without you and your acknowledgement that they ARE. when we leave this earth they will still continue to be life-giving beautiful sources of peace, if we choose see them as such.

nature and time are God.

time is a ruthless truth but also a grand act of love from God. the ruthlessness of time makes our choice black or white. you’re either all in or you’re not. you do don’t get to be gray, which is a gift.

choice and time: our will vs divine will
in terms of choice and time, many times we call ourselves waiting on God when truly God is waiting on us. we call ourselves trying to search for the will of God when the will of God is what we desire. for some reason we humans have evolved into spiritually grappling with the will of God. we have evolved into grappling with whether we believe that we get to have what we desire or not because we believe that we are so wretched. we are worthy of what we want. we deserve what we want: peace, joy, happiness and fulfillment.

if it’s not working force that shit. its not a struggle because we’re not meant to have it, its a struggle because there’s something for us to learn. we are allowed to have what we want.

choice and time: internalism vs. externalism
honestly truly. everything we are searching for is within. the way that we manage our time and our choices is by being an internalist.

externalism suggest that our environment determines who we are and what become, that the perceptions of others have the ultimate affect on our self-concept and our overall outlook and that we have no control over our thoughts and feelings because the source of them is outside of ourselves. externalism is disempowering and oppressive. it encourages co-dependence, low-self-esteem and a lack of boundaries.

internalism gives the power back to its source, it is active and is takes conscious effort. internalism affirms that each individual is a drop of God and therefore capable of infinite possibilities. internalism encourages interdependent relationships instead of co-dependent ones and calls for each individual to have their own identity instead of relying on others for it. internalism creates room for God to breathe life over our vision while externalism leaves one powerless to a perspective of death.

embracing a perspective of internalism is liberating, empowering and a joy filled approach to living.
choice and time: we are not what we do
when i think if internalism, it reminds me that we are not what we do. we are not human doing’s—but instead—we are human beings. so many times we set a goal and project so much unto it. i remember when i got my first full time job after graduating college and shortly thereafter so many false beliefs about it shattered. i thought it was going to make me feel like i was good enough, make me happy and fullfilled, make me feel complete and essentially make every single one of my insecurities go away. and unsurprisingly. it didn’t.

even as i continue to create my dream career in the art world, the more checks i mark off of my list. the more disillusioned i become. the check marks don’t make me happy! don’t get it twisted. i love this career much more than what i was doing in the corporate world, but it still doesn’t fill my spiritual well.

i even got a little embarrassed recently. a part of me was pursuing this career for personal fulfillment and another side for power and respect. but both of the later rely on the outside perspective of others and that externalism oppresses me. anyway, no one with a frame of mind that desires-to-gain-power wants to give away their power anyway so that side of my pursuit was toxic, futile and dysfunctional. i am learning that, the only way for me to enjoy this career is to do it with complete and total authenticity;

to do it with my wholeness and my brokenness. my confusion and my security, my fear and my joy, my perfectionism and my God given talent and wear all of these on my sleeve. to observe myself and my life with a humility and a surrender that understands that we are all in process and that we are not what we do, and to greet the personal choices of others with the same humility.

what you do is not who you are. there are plenty of depressed dancers out there. there are plenty of people doing what you dream of doing and are not passionate about their career and are unhappy.

it is literally all in our minds. the love we desire to feel, the comfort we search for, it all lies in the thoughts we choose to think, and in our capability to access the divine source that we come from through prayer and meditation.

choice and time love: is a choice only you can make
surrender is such a peaceful place to be and self-love is such a powerful declaration of surrender. when we take care of ourselves, tend to our dreams and lifestyle, make our morning before work a savory moment filled with joy and a candle lit moment in bed with a book before its time to sleep a laughter filled moment infused with peace, we are loving ourselves with a surrender to God that says: your love is enough.

the week is almost over, but lets end it by searching for the beauty in the mundane and by being grateful for it all.

 

 

xoxo,

 

 

amber b

 

here are a few websites that are related:

https://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/your-perception-of-your-choices-has-a-lot-to-do-with-your-self-esteem/

 

http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/choices-weve-all-got-to-make-them-so-why-give-you-a-hard-time-for-not-living-a-fantasy/

https://www.huffingtonpost.com/lubna-najjar/the-power-of-choice_1_b_6683212.html

 

https://www.joycemeyer.org/everydayanswers/ea-teachings/the-power-of-a-right-choice

 

 

 

 

boundaries for beginners

boundaries for beginners by amber b, wordtothewise.coa boundary is an act of self-compassion.
a boundary is when a self-loving individual
draws an emotional line in the sand that
guards their capacity to:
trust themselves
hear their truth/intuition
love themselves
take care of themselves
heal themselves
and honor exactly how they feel and not
how their ‘supposed’ to feel in order to please
other people and not have to deal with their baggage.

many people don’t even know what the fuck a boundary is because you’re so used to putting other peoples opinions above your own. or maybe you’ve advanced to a place where you’re able to hear your truth and then speak it most of the time but you often find yourself either upset with yourself because you didn’t speak your truth or feeling guilty because you did.

boundaries are so multi-layered and have so many pre-requisites to effectively setting them.
below are a few of the pre-requisites to figuring out what your boundaries are, how to communicate them to others and how to reduce feelings of guilt when you do set them.

disclaimer: you’re boundaries are whatever you say they are. YOU qualify them. don’t look externally for confirmation look within.

 

self-compassion

so often as women we our encouraged to extend our understanding towards others without regard to our emotional needs. in order to be considered acceptable to society we are told to take on a mother-fucking teresa complex and give our empathy and our compassion to others and totally forget ourselves. we are told to be meek and demure and accommodating in order to get people to like us, as if external likability is our greatest achievement in life.

i grew up in a conservative christian household, once i got into college i strayed away and then came back to the faith more conservative than ever. during this time period and within this community of believers that i associated with the school of thinking that we all embodied was that we were all wretched sinners who were inherently wrong and because of this wrongness we owed it to God to always assume our intentions were bad and to put others before ourselves because we thought of ourselves WAY too much.

we were encouraged to always go above and beyond to serve others and give of ourselves without regard to our emotional limitations and financial limitations. during this time period i also dated someone who blamed every conflict we had on me. we were young as hell so the conflict was rampant and often occurring. because of a lack of boundaries, self-confidence and a whole bunch of other shit, the idea that every problem was of my creating was ingrained into my mind within the context of a romantic relationship for a total of three years.

an experience that i deeply regret. each of these experiences—along with growing up in a household with a penchant for guilt tripping—developed within in me a psychological complex that i am inherently wrong which has made learning self-compassion a total mind fuck—but never the less, slowly but surely a game changer.

self-compassion is an act of treating yourself like a good friend. so many of us have this harsh inner critic in our minds telling us that we are not enough. it scrutinizes everything that we say and do, its so harsh when we make an understandable misjudgment. it says ‘you’re so dumb why did you do that?’ self-compassion means that you give YOUR DAMN SELF the benefit of the doubt when making choices.

when you give yourself the benefit of the doubt you have to understand and be okay with the fact that some people are not going to agree with your view and thats ok. when you respect that you are going to be self-compassionate even though someone else is not going to take on your view and when you do not brush away that emotional line that you have drawn in the sand you are respecting your boundaries and creating room in your life to love and nurture yourself and your self-love.

when you’re self-compassionate you don’t feed the harsh critic or the self-doubt monster but instead treat yourself like a good friend and say ‘ [insert name here] i love you and am so proud of who you are, you made that decision because you were coming from a good place, you are a good person, you are talented and worthy of love, so go on about your day with a clear concious because your deserve the benefit of the doubt’ or “[insert name here] i know you made a mistake but guess what? everyone does. this miscalculation is not a set back but a learning experience. you still deserve your own love even if your action was misguided. learn the lesson forgive yourself and then do something nice for yourself to establish this new beginning that is about to take place’.

also, go back into your history and find out where that critical voice comes from and honor your wound and come to terms with it in a way that empowers you.

you have power

often times we fail to set boundaries for ourselves for others to respect because we don’t even know that we have power.

you have power. period. no matter what position you’re in.

whether you’re the consumer, the borrower, the intern, the sublet, the weaker vessel, the one who’s made the miscalculation, the employee, the rookie. you have power. you have a right to be treated with dignity, care and respect. you do not have to default to doing shit that you don’t like because you are not in the predominant position of power momentarily. you still get to have boundaries.

this comes from an internal knowing that every relationship is mutually beneficial and that no matter what goes down in life, it will go on and you’ll be fine.

it is inevitable for us all that one day we will become desperate for help from the hands that served us once upon a time. this isn’t because of karma, this is because we ALL have value and we ALL have something to offer others. but people who exploit their power fail to realize that and miss out because of it.

this doesn’t mean that you’re not contrite when you make a mistake or grateful when someone helps you, no. this means that thank you and sorry are enough. you did not force that someone to help you, that was their decision that they made all by themselves so them acting like they can treat you poorly is them overstepping a boundary and bad behavior on their part. additionally if were saying sorry and moving on you don’t get to drag me through the mud and mistreat me.

don’t be a passenger

this is an extension of the last point, but this one calls for proactivity. many of us just want to hop into someone else’s abundance instead of find ourselves and create our own to share with someone else who’s also found their own abundance. you want to simply be a passenger instead of a co-pilot. this habit causes us to not even think about boundaries, all your thinking about is how to gain this persons approval and keep them in your life.

or contrarily, have you ever dated someone who you loved, shared the same values with, wanted the same things out of life, we’re emotionally compatible with, but still experience a high level of doubt with or feared long-term commitment? its because you’re being a passenger. there is someone that you need to be to yourself that you still have yet to be. you want to find a relationship that stops you from having to show up for yourself and that relationship is nonexistent.

but nevertheless you break up with people over and over again searching for that person that stops you from having to be the person you’ve always needed to be to yourself and go from relationship to relationship. that ‘person’ you’re searching for is what is called a driver and in a relationship with a driver everything is on their terms and there is no room for you, your feelings, your perspective, your fears, your nothing. ultimately, all you can ask for in life is a co-pilot partner that you like who wants the same things out of life as you and is actively striving towards those things.

you are the driver of your own life and a co-pilot in relationships. setting healthy boundaries requires that we know who we are and what we want and need in relationships.

this passage was all about maintaining healthy boundaries for ourselves, the next will be on how to respect other people boundaries and how this empowers us, too.

 

 

xoxo,

 

amber b

 

here are some related and helpful articles on boundaries:

 

https://psychcentral.com/lib/10-way-to-build-and-preserve-better-boundaries/

 

https://www.huffingtonpost.com/jennifer-twardowski/6-steps-to-setting-boundaries-in-relationships_b_6142248.html

http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/10-fundamental-lessons-onboundaries-in-relationships-part-1/

https://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/boundaries-stop-asking-for-permission/

healing heartbreak part two

healing heartbreak by amber b coleman

 

low relationship standards

healing heartbreak is a slow process that requires commitment and self-compassion. you have to really align yourself with God and listen to your intuition because if you listen to the relationship standards of our culture which are so low and damaging and filled with quick fixes and toxic instant gratifiers you will regret it. the examples of relationships on television or in the songwriting of the top 10 on the radio are ones where both people are seeking purpose, self-confidence and fulfillment within one another. this misguided pursuit creates dysfunctional bonds where broken people get together and break each other down even more.

in our society we are encouraged to hurry up and get married instead of hurrying up and getting whole and pursuing our purpose. we are not encouraged to love ourselves first and then to love somebody else. pursuing your life’s purpose is a means of deep and intense healing which will alter your relationships for the better.

if your relationships don’t end on amicable terms—they’re broken relationships—if you hate your ex or vise versa, your relationship was one of brokenness. in my last post i discussed the mindset that often gets us into a cycle of broken relationships. today i’ll be discussing habits that will lead us into healthy relationship patters.

many times we can be really hard on ourselves about personal flaws that contribute to a relationships ending but a relationships ending is never only one persons fault so no need to take on the personal responsibility of the other party involved on top of your own. also at the days end our mistakes are truly just bad habits and habits are easily broken and restored with self-control.

when we stoop low in a relationship we are never proud of ourselves after doing so. when we give into anger or stalk our ex online, neither of these choices make us love ourselves more. the goal of this article is to help you make choices that will make you feel proud of yourself which will lead to self-love which will lead to healthier relationship patterns.

healing heartbreak: you win by not playing

you avoid having to go through the process of healing heartbreak by not even playing the rat race dating game. in the brokenness-dating-game there are the lovers that worship you and the ones that you worship. you always feel slighted by the ones you worship and hopefully you were delicate with the hearts that worshiped you. if not than you ARE the lovers that you feel slighted by and subsequently the thing that you don’t like.

the way you imagine who you are in each relationship is completely different. in the relationships where you are worshiped you are our highest self: you are beautiful you are loved you are amazing, interesting and worthy, but you sabotage this relationship because you lack self-love and do not respect your partner for making a bad investment–which is one in you.

in the relationships where you are doing the worshipping you need to be fixed because something is wrong with you, you need to gain love and you are almost—but just not enough. the way that you win this game is by not playing.

this game is about self-concept. if you see yourself as worthy and are self-validating then all you are looking to see is whether a relationship is the right fit for you. you are NOT trying to make someone like you or change someone. this doesn’t mean that you don’t show your interest–no–definitely show interest when you’re feeling somebody whether you’re male or female. but if they begin to behave in a way that says maybe they’re not ready for a relationship or maybe you two aren’t on the same page, gracefully step away from the relationship.

many people stick around because they’re desperate or unhappy despite seeing all of the red flags that the person that they’re dealing with is not ready or available to them. when this happens it is best for one to acknowledge that the following bad behaviors committed by their lover we not okay BUT also take responsibility that they ignored the red flags and didn’t love themselves which gave way to all of the crappery that transpired.

when a relationship doesn’t go the way you want—healthy or not—your self-esteem will always be vulnerable to the results. when this happens make sure to take care of yourself and do things that will remind you of your value. all of the transgressions committed by a lover and the wounds that follow are truly in your mind. this doesn’t diminish your experience or pain, but it’s true. your only identity is Child of God and its up to you to implement rituals that remind you of that truth such as a self-affirmation practice or meditation.

the foundation of a good fit is someone who is physically and emotionally available to be in a relationship with you.

healing heartbreak: make choices that make you proud

a major factor in becoming a healthy person and subsequently developing healthier relationships is by making choices that make you feel proud of who you are. one of the major habits that take place within broken relational bonds is social media stalking. you do this because you’re not over this person and not ready to move on or you want to look for any sign that this person may be hurt over the relationships end as well and that there’s still a chance for you two, or if you do this while you’re dating it is because you’re looking for confirmation that you’re enough for them.

social media stalking is truly an addiction especially in terms of a lover. instead of dealing with the trauma and negative emotions that came along with the relationships end which will help you in your healing heartbreak process, you instead avoid those feelings with stalking. or, instead of dealing with feelings of low self worth or being unworthy of good love, you perpetuate the issue and sabotage yourself by meditating on thoughts of unworthiness and self-doubt while social media stalking. then all of the toxic emotions just accrue over time making your self-healing job even harder. many times the toxic emotions that come up while stalking are easier to deal with than the feelings that come up when you have face yourself.

looking back on my not so distant past, on the bad habits that i used to engage with in such an unhealthy manner i now realize just how broken i was and just how broken one must be in order to engage in such unhealthy habits. making choices that make you proud of who you are is also addicting.

if you struggle with social media stalking its because you need a schedule and a purpose for social media. set guidelines for your self and timing restrictions. get accountability from a close friend, and always-always-always pour into your self-worth with a self-love practice.

healing heartbreak: love is what you make it

in my last post i discussed how love is not enough. love is fairly easy to find—if you want to find it—because we are all made by love and thus the fabric of who we are is love. love is not a reason to get into a relationship with someone but love + compatibility is.
but with that said. once you find that love + compatibility combination that you’re satisfied with, you will still come across bumps in the road and at that point, love is what you make it. the bumps will still be there but because you were shrewd about choosing your partner the bumps are worth it.

as i find my way into artistic entrepreneurship, i pay my bills as a substitute teacher in LA. i make my own schedule and can still afford a nice lifestyle while still having more than enough time to pursue my passion. first, I began substitute teaching middle school and high school. these students are going through a crazy phase hormonally. the switch from primary school to secondary school is dramatic as hell.

by the time they’ve reached middle school, they’re going where they’re going and its quite easy to tell. you can just point them out “i’ll see you in college, see you in rehab, see you in continuation school, see you at graduation” i’ve gotten sent to schools in south central on many occasions but the stress level via socio-economic environment only varies slightly; whether teaching in the hollywood hills or south central, middle school and high school kids all are super moody and often have bad attitudes towards authority, curse profusely and are not interested in being compliant; just like I was back then bahahah!

so i changed my preferences and began teaching primary school instead and wow! the difference is so stark. whether i get sent to the hood or the hollywood hills primary school kids want to learn, they want to be a good person and do the right thing, they are interested in integrity, they cry when they’re hurt and are so soft. they are also a lot of drama. hour on end students come to me with ‘teacher! teacher! she did this to me. teacher! teacher! she did that to me. teacher! teacher! my leg is tingling! teacher! teacher! its my birthday (its really not)’ non-stop.

i prefer primary school over high school by and large. its WAY better. but there are still moments where i find myself complaining. mind you a year ago while working in corporate america this is the life i prayed for. the life i was completely desperate for. the life that i was SURE that would help me enjoy life more. subbing was something that i was looking so forward to as well. and here i am, complaining. even after changing from high school to middle school. i’m still complaining. when i was teaching high school i could hand out a piece of homework and be done with teaching and go on to read a book or work on my art/business for the rest of the period while students work away independently.

with primary school kids you are always ‘on’. there are few to no moments of independent study, but the difference in their attitudes are what make or break the job for me. i found myself one day after transferring to primary school saying to myself, ‘i don’t know if i even like working with primary school kids. i wonder what job is the one for me?’ and then an answer came into my consciousness:

‘the job that is the one for you is the one that you’ll be grateful for.
the one that you will choose not run away from the hard questions with
and are willing to go through all of the different
phases with’

damn.

and after you’ve understood what you want out of life and who you are, and subsequently what type of lover you want, that’s what love becomes: what you make it. are you grateful for your person? are you running away from yourself or are you asking all of those tough questions and actually allowing yourself to come into an actual relationship with someone? one where you work through your issues which allows you to become even more emotionally intimate.

so where are you on your healing heartbreak journey? do you need to work on self-love, boundaries and your purpose and dreams? do you need to sort through your past and find healing for the present? in my observation, experiencing broken relationships and subsequently having to go through healing heartbreak comes from ignoring red flags, a lack of personal boundaries and low-self-esteem. each of these are avoided by personal responsibility.

always remember when healing heartbreak: your relationship was broken, not you. don’t try and forgive someone for overstepping your boundaries because doing so is an impossible task. instead work on forgiving yourself for not setting boundaries and not acting in away that says that you believe that you deserve a happy healthy relationship with someone who is capable of loving you well. when you focus on forgiving yourself and being self-compassionate there is so much more room for healing heartbreak.

xoxo

 

amber b

 

here are a few related articles for further insight:

a guide to building healthy habits:

https://zenhabits.net/7-little-habits-that-can-change-your-life-and-how-to-form-them/

on social media staking:

http://community.sparknotes.com/2016/05/23/real-talk-i-cant-stop-stalking-my-ex-on-social-media

on building healthy self-esteem: 

http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/self-esteem-in-a-nutshell-when-you-believe-youre-not-good-enough-to-drive-your-own-life/

on paying attention to red flags:

https://www.elitedaily.com/dating/relationship-red-flags-first-date/1381784

dealing with heart break

it’s fall, and nature is teaching us how to surrender and allow old belief systems and personal narratives to slowly fall from the limbs of our minds, and to not resist this moment of transition and instead to embrace it and be grateful for it while confidently awaiting the newness and healing that spring soon will bring.

many find it challenging to maintain a joyful outlook in the fall season and commonly slip into a state of depression. for many of us the fall season can bring about a time of reflecting on relationships from the past that were unsuccessful and left us heartbroken.

I have experienced quite a few heartbreaks within romantic relationships, but what i’ve learned is that to be heartbroken is all encompassing:

we are either totally heartbroken or we are totally grateful.

if you consider yourself currently broken hearted because of the demise of a relationship, chances are you were heartbroken way before this relationship began. chances are you were heartbroken before you even began your first serious romantic relationship.

maybe your like i used to be and you:
-have a history of broken relationships
-feel like maybe you have a curse because all of your relationships end in tragedy.
-often feel powerless to the person that you love and that they hold all of the power to whether you get to have your love story or not.
-feel you have been the victim of bad partners and their bad behavior

it doesn’t have to be like this. this does not have to be your normal. below are a few reasons why you may find yourself in the above mindset and subsequently in relationships that end in tragedy. it truly all begins with self-love and i know that is somewhat of an ethereal term so below i will outline exactly what i mean:

number one: you get what you expect. you expect negativity because you need to be a victim. to combat this, increase your self-esteem by becoming a victor with their own identity, their own abundance, their own opinions, their own fun, their own dreams, friends and their own wholeness, and then begin to expect positive results because you believe you are worthy of them. you get what you expect. not on an external level but on an internal level which means a complete perspective shift must take place in order for your expectations to change.

we attract into our lives experiences and people that reflect our beliefs about ourselves. we attract whatever we need to pass our current level that will bring us into awareness of our divinity. whatever beliefs you hold about yourself, that’s what you will find in your life. if you believe that love is something to be earned. if you believe that you need to fix something you perceive to be wrong with yourself to deserve love, if you believe you need to change something about who you are for love, that’s the type of partner you will attract. that’s why it truly is about self-love, and we love ourselves by aligning ourselves with God. then, when someone who embodies the ‘rat race dating mentality’ approaches you and shows interest, their energy will turn you off because it is not compatible with yours. you don’t need to fix anything about who you are to deserve love, you just need someone who’s ready to communicate and figure shit out. someone who’s ready to lay aside a false sense of self-righteousness. but once you believe that, once you understand that you are not ‘fundamentally wrong’ that’s what you’ll find in your life: people and experiences that reflect that belief

sometimes we meet someone who is crazy about us and we think its funny. maybe we even get an ego stroke like their attention means that we’re all that. their passion about who we are turns us off. why? because their messaging is incompatible with ours. their messaging says ‘you are wonderful and you don’t need to work for my love’ and our messaging is the opposite. their interest in us makes us laugh because we feel like we don’t deserve it ‘bahahaha, you’re crazy about me?? why??” we get an ego stroke from them because the self-love wasn’t even there to begin with. if it were, them being crazy about us would not be a surprise. when we develop self-loving thoughts towards ourselves we will attract the same type of partner.

also, stop being a victim and start taking responsibility for your own joy and happiness.
finding a joy and a happiness that are independent of any circumstance is the realest struggle i have ever undergone and it requires a fucking full on fight! With your ‘normal’, with your beliefs. it is possible though. i would suggest starting with a gratitude journal. for forty days write forty things you are grateful for. i know that during the onset of a broken heart, writing shit that your grateful for can feel a bit daunting but here’s the thing: you might not notice it but you’re healing and getting better. i remember when i started my gratitude and self-affirmation practice. i was 28 days in and took a seven day break and that’s when i realized how much i had progressed; after i began to digress.

another thing: when you are a victim in your mind, everything around you accommodates this belief; if you are a victim then everything around you must become a villain which makes it not so fun to be around you. it can be hard to realize this but yeah, that’s what you’re doing.

 

number two: figure yourself out. there is so much more to a romantic relationships than love. love just simply is not enough. as human beings, we are all created BY love itself. therefore, the fabric of what we are is love. this is why so many of us have found ourselves in love with many different people, and each experience of love is legitimate. this is why men fall in love with men; they are both made of love. this is why women fall in love with women; they are both made of love. this is why men and women fall in love; they are both created by love itself. this is why two people whose personality traits and emotional predisposition are directly opposed to one another fall in love; they are both created by love. nevertheless; there are so many emotional possibilities out there. love is not a reason to get into a relationship with someone, love+compatibility however, are. but you cant know what type of lover and lifestyle you want until you discover that for yourself and figure yourself out.

so many people marry young out of the pressure to receive validation from society, without having done any internal work or without taking on any life experience. because of this, many of these marriages begin before the age of 25, each of them begin to discover more about who they are in their later 20’s and 30’s and what they want out of life, and then a divorce happens in their 40’s and/or fifties. divorce happens and it happens to everybody. it is not discriminate of your race, religion or socio-economic status. therefore it is crucial to be very conservative in your choice of a life partner. compatibility equals the same. i know and have experienced the whole ‘opposites attract’ in romantic relationships but that shit gets old and eventually creates conflict. an enduring bond is one where both people are on the same page in terms of what they want out of life and what type of lifestyle they want and they are emotionally similar and compatible. love is not enough.

number three: deal with your baggage. whoever you need to be to yourself before you meet the love of your life, you will still need to be that person afterwards. a lover comes into our lives as a request from our own spirit for realizing freedom. every person we encounter is a learning experience. many times people get married multiple times because they needed that marriage to see freedom through. the trick is to learn the lesson the first time it pursues you so that you don’t have to learn it over and over again. get a journal and write anything that comes into your mind. write three pages worth and unload your mind. go back into your childhood and articulate all of those micro-aggressions that trigger your wounds in social situations. then develop practical ways to cater and nurture those wounds. don’t let the sole purpose of your relationships be for you to heal, because you were unwilling to heal yourself. your relationships should be fun and emotionally supportive. take care of yourself on your own and then find someone who’s funny, hot and fun to be around and make out with. keep it simple.

a relationship is not the place to search for validation, to search for the permission to be who you are, for constant assurance, an emotional crutch or any of that shit. you do that for your damn self. save yourself the additional baggage and handle that on your own. its hard to do it by yourself but trust that its even harder in the company of an equally internally broken other.

heartbreak is all encompassing. you’re either always heartbroken or you’re always grateful. i know from personal experience how hurtful it can be that you still haven’t gotten to be in a relationship with someone that you really love and it looks like everyone around you does. but honestly truly, if were grateful then were thankful for the lessons that our lovers taught us, and we are grateful for the opportunity to heal and we are grateful that we get to be with someone who is perfect for us in the future.

happy healing!

 

xoxo

amber b

boundaries part t w o

the first thing that allowed my strained relationships to blossom into healthy partnerships was by setting boundaries. setting boundaries and learning self-trust can be stressful and scary, especially if you are a people pleaser like i was. when you set boundaries, not everyone is going to be hip to it and it could seriously disrupt some relationships and end others. when you set boundaries you may loose friends, but when you do not set boundaries you will loose yourself. and if you have to loose yourself in order to keep friends, are those your friends? without boundaries i cannot see my full value. nevertheless, here are the steps that i took in order to honor myself and save my relationships.

share your truth

when i first started making renovations within my friendships, i initially just wanted to cut off everyone because i was so fucking mad. but then i realized that doing so would just perpetuate the issue that got us here to begin with. i had to share my truth, and stand in it. i also had to take responsibility for the role that i played in allowing for things to get to the breaking point that they did, and this added a bit more room for my relationships to endure, as long as the other was willing to adjust to the changes i was making.

often times i would be afraid that my insecurities were interpreting reality and that what i felt was wrong, and sometimes that is true, but what is also true is that everyone is human and everyone has an ego and flaws and therefore there is a high probability that what you are feeling IS in fact, the fucking truth.

a risky factor in sharing your truth is that if you stand firmly by it you are inviting conflict into your life and you might watch a friend or a lover walk out of your life. this means that a major part of sharing your truth means that you need to have cultivated your own source of joy.

own your personal space

i am a VERY independent person. a true scorpio. i have always been since i was very, very young. my mom told me from a young age that my message to her was ‘i’ll let you know when i need you, but until then just assume that i got this’.

even so i learned recently that my present joy was being upheld by artificial high’s awaiting to be achieved in the future. my ability to be content and emotionally stable while alone, was sustained by an illusion.

let me elaborate. not only am i firefly independent but i am also achievement driven. i’ve always been since a very young age and as i am growing into a full blown adult woman i have become a very ambitious relentlessly-chases-her-goals type of individual. so much so that i am approaching the end of my bucket list. crazy right? i’m 26 and at the end of my bucket list, right now. but as i approach its end, i approach it slightly disillusioned.

the high that i was chasing, it was not at the top of the man made latter that i created. there is this song by an underground rapper who’s name that i losses me at the moment. but basically in the song he tells the story of a man who creates a man made ladder, climbs up to the top of it and once he finally reaches the top he hangs himself. you know, i wouldn’t say that my disillusionment was that great. to be sure, chasing my goals has created a greater capacity within me for fulfillment, self-confidence and has increased the overall richness and fullness of my life and perspective of it. but the thing i was really searching for to complete me was purpose. that’s the completion cap i was searching for. after finally living in my identity and being who God created me to be, the last thing—the cap—i needed was the sentiment of the quote ‘you don’t need to find your purpose, you just need to live life purposefully’. for me it was, “live in your purpose and then live life purposefully”.

it is when we really press into those hard, subtle and subconscious questions such as ‘how do i live purposeful life’, answer them for ourselves and then live our lives within those self-answered questions that we find completion.

when we trust ourselves enough to give and follow our own advise, that’s when we’ve arrived. we look for advise from and admire so many people that we don’t even know, yet why worship them when we can worship the God that created them? and even then, we come from the same source of magic, we’ve got the same father, what would he give to them that we would perceive that he has withheld from us? what answers have they got that we do not have the capacity to find for ourselves.

everything we need is in God who lives in us. we have to trust ourselves enough to create a life that’s worth living, and to know that no matter who comes in and out of our lives that we will be just fine.

if you don’t like to be alone, you’ll put up with virtually anything in order to not be in your own company. if you have not found your own source of joy, you will tolerate bad company because anything is better than being with yourself.

Jesus and the Buddha wrestled in the wilderness alone for YEARS, while trying to understand the condition of their hearts. learning how to be alone can be taxing and very hard, but to avoid it is simply prolonging the inevitable. there are certain ailments that we merely cannot see and we have to experience pain in order to fully reach their root. but work with what you’ve got, find your center based on who you are now, and as long as you pursue the truth it will send you what ever you need to find your center.

set boundaries

its important to always have a why and a reason for what we do in life. it’s important to know the purpose and reasoning of your relationships. my reasons are for mutual emotional support, for laughter, good times and shared memories. it is equally important to know your bottom lines, which boundaries cannot be crossed in order for the relationship to be maintained. for me my bottom lines are 1. do not tell my secrets 2. do not make me uncomfortable for making my own choices that you may or may not agree with 3. be kind and supportive 4. have integrity 5. do not try and change who i am. i like to drop f bombs and my spirituality is constantly evolving. if that over steps your boundaries then you already know what to do, but if you choose to stay in relationship with me, accept me as is.

these are my five pillars of trust. if i can’t trust you then we can not be friends.

that’s all folks
xoxo

amber b

boundaries, part o n e

this weekend my momma and I went to watch the movie girls trip together. [ spoiler alert ] it is a tale of four women who developed a strong bond of sisterhood during college and maintained those bonds post grad, but after years of an accumulation of words left unsaid and hurt feelings left unresolved, the conflict left unattended inevitably festered and became disease and broke those initially tight bonds. after five years passed of the friends not talking to one another, the girls decide to go on a girls trip to reconnect. this is the context of the movie [ end of spoiler ]

the beauty of their sisterhood was in their constant banter, sarcasm and jokes, loyalty, sticking up for one another and the emotional support. the ugly parts of their sisterhood were the distrust, the fear, the insecurity, the boundary over-stepping and the ego. they were the moments that did not inflict instantly gratifying emotions and the inevitable conflict that shines a light on the broken parts of ourselves that are disallowing our relationships to be as intimate as they potentially could be. despite the gold that was hidden underneath the ugly, the ugly was still plain ol’ fuckin ugly.

in the face of insecurity and ego, relationships are so frail. you meet acquaintances that you adore and then mutually pursue a friendship because you like one another. Once you’ve reached that friendship faze, there are so many nuances that can get in the way of simply having and innocent friendship: vulnerability, support, laughter and shared time. sometimes it is the need to feel better than others that disallows us to show ourself fully, scales and all. Maybe boundaries aren’t being respected and this makes us feel unseen by our friends.

I reached a friendship-crossroads a bit ago. in the past i had tons of friendships and would rarely complain about any shortcomings. this is because i was too busy blaming myself for any source of tension and was a people pleaser with no boundaries, child i let everything slide. but—as i often say on this blog—because this friendship foundation was not made of 100% truth it inevitably crumbled.

after years of neglecting my wants and needs in relationships, one day i looked up and found a very angry person. i was angry at literally everyone—and secretly myself as well—for years of overstepping my boundaries. it wasn’t about my inability to speak up; i had in the past and many of these friends (many of whom are now only acquaintances or less) would fail to take responsibility for their actions or instead let their ego lead even more and pointed the finger back at me. child.

once i finally accepted how out of things had gotten, i began to slowly make changes:

i’ve been. broken open.

play this softly while you read my blog, for its full effect.

religion isn’t my thing anymore, i can only do relationship. theology isn’t my thing anymore, i can only do experience. it wasn’t a conscious decision i made, but the foundation of my religion inevitably crumbled because its foundation was faulty and i had no choice but to walk towards what my soul was craving; something authentic, raw, messy and real. when i walked away from religion and towards grace i walked away from living my life for other peoples approval. that is when i began to experience a spirituality that made me come alive in every moment. it showed me that i can only experience and express the amount of love i have first Received as i live my life interaction by interaction and at the whims of a loving God’s will.

it is a spirituality that has led me to follow my bliss in LA. many people have told me how brave i am to have left so much behind: social status, a good and consistent pay check, a 401k and the approval of society. yet i feel like i let go of nothing and gained everything. (no shade to my old boss if you’re reading this)

so many of us live life as if we’re not going to die one day. and yet that as well—death—means nothing. nothing significant.

” listen my beloved;
has not God chosen those who are
poor in the world to be rich in faith
and heirs of the kingdom
James 2:5 “

here in LA i spend all of my days around the ‘poor in the world’: children because i substitute teach 8-12 grade to pay my bills, artists because i am one (writer and dancer if you’re new here) and soon i will be getting paid to help a woman with disabilities run her errands.

working with children has taught me how to forgive. it has taught me how to be more generous towards the state of our humanity and to separate making-bad-choices from being-a-bad-person. even bad choices are rooted in pain, so while it is my choice to set boundaries where i see fit at the days end i know that no one has the capacity to attack me, but to only attack themselves.

artists have taught me how to love myself, choose myself, believe in myself and to not make excuses for not being my best. living out that dream that God has placed inside of my soul has developed my self-confidence and subsequently my sense of humility; i don’t try to prove myself much these days. the shinier the more damaged. i feel surrendered from worldly success and i feel that the greatest success i have/will ever achieve is to become filled with God and surrendered to Him.

surrender is all about control and control manifests itself in so many ways: unforgivness is control, pride is control, bitterness and anger and vengeance are all control. other things are control as well because control is all about intention.

preparing to assist this disabled woman is really exciting for me because of this book i recently read titled ‘broken open’ by elizabeth lesser. it is a book that is all about pain, extreme tragedy, sudden death and sudden life altering illnesses. it is one of the most beautiful pieces of literature i have ever read. every person in this book-of-true-stories, after experiencing tragedy always recounts that they did not become full of life until after God ripped the carpet from underneath their feet. for them, tragedy made more room for peace and gratitude in their lives. people with physical disabilities and terminal illnesses are forced to look at their mortality in the face every single day; what a gift. they also have the gift of considering pain on the regular and how to perceive it in a fashion that gives way to life–to being alive. and yet we are all at the risk of death in any given moment, not just the terminally ill. and yet that too—death—means nothing. nothing significant.

a poem from my book boombox in the sky

the last thing i want to speak on is love. for me, nature is the best reflection of God there is. God being love. the stunning sun always rises every morning and changes places with the captivating moon every evening, both blessing us with their beauty and presence. the ocean continues to sway and provide food and oxygen for us, the rain comes right when we need it, animals don’t hold grudges; all are consistent and loving no matter what idiocracy us humans commit. if God’s love for us is the greatest love there is, then today right now in this very moment i have everything i could ever dream of. moving to la has really taught me how to be at peace. i don’t want any of those job titles i just want to love myself and be loved by God. whatever manifests out of those relationships is a cherry on top.

 

xoxo

amber b