healing heartbreak part two

healing heartbreak by amber b coleman

 

low relationship standards

healing heartbreak is a slow process that requires commitment and self-compassion. you have to really align yourself with God and listen to your intuition because if you listen to the relationship standards of our culture which are so low and damaging and filled with quick fixes and toxic instant gratifiers you will regret it. the examples of relationships on television or in the songwriting of the top 10 on the radio are ones where both people are seeking purpose, self-confidence and fulfillment within one another. this misguided pursuit creates dysfunctional bonds where broken people get together and break each other down even more.

in our society we are encouraged to hurry up and get married instead of hurrying up and getting whole and pursuing our purpose. we are not encouraged to love ourselves first and then to love somebody else. pursuing your life’s purpose is a means of deep and intense healing which will alter your relationships for the better.

if your relationships don’t end on amicable terms—they’re broken relationships—if you hate your ex or vise versa, your relationship was one of brokenness. in my last post i discussed the mindset that often gets us into a cycle of broken relationships. today i’ll be discussing habits that will lead us into healthy relationship patters.

many times we can be really hard on ourselves about personal flaws that contribute to a relationships ending but a relationships ending is never only one persons fault so no need to take on the personal responsibility of the other party involved on top of your own. also at the days end our mistakes are truly just bad habits and habits are easily broken and restored with self-control.

when we stoop low in a relationship we are never proud of ourselves after doing so. when we give into anger or stalk our ex online, neither of these choices make us love ourselves more. the goal of this article is to help you make choices that will make you feel proud of yourself which will lead to self-love which will lead to healthier relationship patterns.

healing heartbreak: you win by not playing

you avoid having to go through the process of healing heartbreak by not even playing the rat race dating game. in the brokenness-dating-game there are the lovers that worship you and the ones that you worship. you always feel slighted by the ones you worship and hopefully you were delicate with the hearts that worshiped you. if not than you ARE the lovers that you feel slighted by and subsequently the thing that you don’t like.

the way you imagine who you are in each relationship is completely different. in the relationships where you are worshiped you are our highest self: you are beautiful you are loved you are amazing, interesting and worthy, but you sabotage this relationship because you lack self-love and do not respect your partner for making a bad investment–which is one in you.

in the relationships where you are doing the worshipping you need to be fixed because something is wrong with you, you need to gain love and you are almost—but just not enough. the way that you win this game is by not playing.

this game is about self-concept. if you see yourself as worthy and are self-validating then all you are looking to see is whether a relationship is the right fit for you. you are NOT trying to make someone like you or change someone. this doesn’t mean that you don’t show your interest–no–definitely show interest when you’re feeling somebody whether you’re male or female. but if they begin to behave in a way that says maybe they’re not ready for a relationship or maybe you two aren’t on the same page, gracefully step away from the relationship.

many people stick around because they’re desperate or unhappy despite seeing all of the red flags that the person that they’re dealing with is not ready or available to them. when this happens it is best for one to acknowledge that the following bad behaviors committed by their lover we not okay BUT also take responsibility that they ignored the red flags and didn’t love themselves which gave way to all of the crappery that transpired.

when a relationship doesn’t go the way you want—healthy or not—your self-esteem will always be vulnerable to the results. when this happens make sure to take care of yourself and do things that will remind you of your value. all of the transgressions committed by a lover and the wounds that follow are truly in your mind. this doesn’t diminish your experience or pain, but it’s true. your only identity is Child of God and its up to you to implement rituals that remind you of that truth such as a self-affirmation practice or meditation.

the foundation of a good fit is someone who is physically and emotionally available to be in a relationship with you.

healing heartbreak: make choices that make you proud

a major factor in becoming a healthy person and subsequently developing healthier relationships is by making choices that make you feel proud of who you are. one of the major habits that take place within broken relational bonds is social media stalking. you do this because you’re not over this person and not ready to move on or you want to look for any sign that this person may be hurt over the relationships end as well and that there’s still a chance for you two, or if you do this while you’re dating it is because you’re looking for confirmation that you’re enough for them.

social media stalking is truly an addiction especially in terms of a lover. instead of dealing with the trauma and negative emotions that came along with the relationships end which will help you in your healing heartbreak process, you instead avoid those feelings with stalking. or, instead of dealing with feelings of low self worth or being unworthy of good love, you perpetuate the issue and sabotage yourself by meditating on thoughts of unworthiness and self-doubt while social media stalking. then all of the toxic emotions just accrue over time making your self-healing job even harder. many times the toxic emotions that come up while stalking are easier to deal with than the feelings that come up when you have face yourself.

looking back on my not so distant past, on the bad habits that i used to engage with in such an unhealthy manner i now realize just how broken i was and just how broken one must be in order to engage in such unhealthy habits. making choices that make you proud of who you are is also addicting.

if you struggle with social media stalking its because you need a schedule and a purpose for social media. set guidelines for your self and timing restrictions. get accountability from a close friend, and always-always-always pour into your self-worth with a self-love practice.

healing heartbreak: love is what you make it

in my last post i discussed how love is not enough. love is fairly easy to find—if you want to find it—because we are all made by love and thus the fabric of who we are is love. love is not a reason to get into a relationship with someone but love + compatibility is.
but with that said. once you find that love + compatibility combination that you’re satisfied with, you will still come across bumps in the road and at that point, love is what you make it. the bumps will still be there but because you were shrewd about choosing your partner the bumps are worth it.

as i find my way into artistic entrepreneurship, i pay my bills as a substitute teacher in LA. i make my own schedule and can still afford a nice lifestyle while still having more than enough time to pursue my passion. first, I began substitute teaching middle school and high school. these students are going through a crazy phase hormonally. the switch from primary school to secondary school is dramatic as hell.

by the time they’ve reached middle school, they’re going where they’re going and its quite easy to tell. you can just point them out “i’ll see you in college, see you in rehab, see you in continuation school, see you at graduation” i’ve gotten sent to schools in south central on many occasions but the stress level via socio-economic environment only varies slightly; whether teaching in the hollywood hills or south central, middle school and high school kids all are super moody and often have bad attitudes towards authority, curse profusely and are not interested in being compliant; just like I was back then bahahah!

so i changed my preferences and began teaching primary school instead and wow! the difference is so stark. whether i get sent to the hood or the hollywood hills primary school kids want to learn, they want to be a good person and do the right thing, they are interested in integrity, they cry when they’re hurt and are so soft. they are also a lot of drama. hour on end students come to me with ‘teacher! teacher! she did this to me. teacher! teacher! she did that to me. teacher! teacher! my leg is tingling! teacher! teacher! its my birthday (its really not)’ non-stop.

i prefer primary school over high school by and large. its WAY better. but there are still moments where i find myself complaining. mind you a year ago while working in corporate america this is the life i prayed for. the life i was completely desperate for. the life that i was SURE that would help me enjoy life more. subbing was something that i was looking so forward to as well. and here i am, complaining. even after changing from high school to middle school. i’m still complaining. when i was teaching high school i could hand out a piece of homework and be done with teaching and go on to read a book or work on my art/business for the rest of the period while students work away independently.

with primary school kids you are always ‘on’. there are few to no moments of independent study, but the difference in their attitudes are what make or break the job for me. i found myself one day after transferring to primary school saying to myself, ‘i don’t know if i even like working with primary school kids. i wonder what job is the one for me?’ and then an answer came into my consciousness:

‘the job that is the one for you is the one that you’ll be grateful for.
the one that you will choose not run away from the hard questions with
and are willing to go through all of the different
phases with’

damn.

and after you’ve understood what you want out of life and who you are, and subsequently what type of lover you want, that’s what love becomes: what you make it. are you grateful for your person? are you running away from yourself or are you asking all of those tough questions and actually allowing yourself to come into an actual relationship with someone? one where you work through your issues which allows you to become even more emotionally intimate.

so where are you on your healing heartbreak journey? do you need to work on self-love, boundaries and your purpose and dreams? do you need to sort through your past and find healing for the present? in my observation, experiencing broken relationships and subsequently having to go through healing heartbreak comes from ignoring red flags, a lack of personal boundaries and low-self-esteem. each of these are avoided by personal responsibility.

always remember when healing heartbreak: your relationship was broken, not you. don’t try and forgive someone for overstepping your boundaries because doing so is an impossible task. instead work on forgiving yourself for not setting boundaries and not acting in away that says that you believe that you deserve a happy healthy relationship with someone who is capable of loving you well. when you focus on forgiving yourself and being self-compassionate there is so much more room for healing heartbreak.

xoxo

 

amber b

 

here are a few related articles for further insight:

a guide to building healthy habits:

https://zenhabits.net/7-little-habits-that-can-change-your-life-and-how-to-form-them/

on social media staking:

http://community.sparknotes.com/2016/05/23/real-talk-i-cant-stop-stalking-my-ex-on-social-media

on building healthy self-esteem: 

http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/self-esteem-in-a-nutshell-when-you-believe-youre-not-good-enough-to-drive-your-own-life/

on paying attention to red flags:

https://www.elitedaily.com/dating/relationship-red-flags-first-date/1381784

dealing with heart break

it’s fall, and nature is teaching us how to surrender and allow old belief systems and personal narratives to slowly fall from the limbs of our minds, and to not resist this moment of transition and instead to embrace it and be grateful for it while confidently awaiting the newness and healing that spring soon will bring.

many find it challenging to maintain a joyful outlook in the fall season and commonly slip into a state of depression. for many of us the fall season can bring about a time of reflecting on relationships from the past that were unsuccessful and left us heartbroken.

I have experienced quite a few heartbreaks within romantic relationships, but what i’ve learned is that to be heartbroken is all encompassing:

we are either totally heartbroken or we are totally grateful.

if you consider yourself currently broken hearted because of the demise of a relationship, chances are you were heartbroken way before this relationship began. chances are you were heartbroken before you even began your first serious romantic relationship.

maybe your like i used to be and you:
-have a history of broken relationships
-feel like maybe you have a curse because all of your relationships end in tragedy.
-often feel powerless to the person that you love and that they hold all of the power to whether you get to have your love story or not.
-feel you have been the victim of bad partners and their bad behavior

it doesn’t have to be like this. this does not have to be your normal. below are a few reasons why you may find yourself in the above mindset and subsequently in relationships that end in tragedy. it truly all begins with self-love and i know that is somewhat of an ethereal term so below i will outline exactly what i mean:

number one: you get what you expect. you expect negativity because you need to be a victim. to combat this, increase your self-esteem by becoming a victor with their own identity, their own abundance, their own opinions, their own fun, their own dreams, friends and their own wholeness, and then begin to expect positive results because you believe you are worthy of them. you get what you expect. not on an external level but on an internal level which means a complete perspective shift must take place in order for your expectations to change.

we attract into our lives experiences and people that reflect our beliefs about ourselves. we attract whatever we need to pass our current level that will bring us into awareness of our divinity. whatever beliefs you hold about yourself, that’s what you will find in your life. if you believe that love is something to be earned. if you believe that you need to fix something you perceive to be wrong with yourself to deserve love, if you believe you need to change something about who you are for love, that’s the type of partner you will attract. that’s why it truly is about self-love, and we love ourselves by aligning ourselves with God. then, when someone who embodies the ‘rat race dating mentality’ approaches you and shows interest, their energy will turn you off because it is not compatible with yours. you don’t need to fix anything about who you are to deserve love, you just need someone who’s ready to communicate and figure shit out. someone who’s ready to lay aside a false sense of self-righteousness. but once you believe that, once you understand that you are not ‘fundamentally wrong’ that’s what you’ll find in your life: people and experiences that reflect that belief

sometimes we meet someone who is crazy about us and we think its funny. maybe we even get an ego stroke like their attention means that we’re all that. their passion about who we are turns us off. why? because their messaging is incompatible with ours. their messaging says ‘you are wonderful and you don’t need to work for my love’ and our messaging is the opposite. their interest in us makes us laugh because we feel like we don’t deserve it ‘bahahaha, you’re crazy about me?? why??” we get an ego stroke from them because the self-love wasn’t even there to begin with. if it were, them being crazy about us would not be a surprise. when we develop self-loving thoughts towards ourselves we will attract the same type of partner.

also, stop being a victim and start taking responsibility for your own joy and happiness.
finding a joy and a happiness that are independent of any circumstance is the realest struggle i have ever undergone and it requires a fucking full on fight! With your ‘normal’, with your beliefs. it is possible though. i would suggest starting with a gratitude journal. for forty days write forty things you are grateful for. i know that during the onset of a broken heart, writing shit that your grateful for can feel a bit daunting but here’s the thing: you might not notice it but you’re healing and getting better. i remember when i started my gratitude and self-affirmation practice. i was 28 days in and took a seven day break and that’s when i realized how much i had progressed; after i began to digress.

another thing: when you are a victim in your mind, everything around you accommodates this belief; if you are a victim then everything around you must become a villain which makes it not so fun to be around you. it can be hard to realize this but yeah, that’s what you’re doing.

 

number two: figure yourself out. there is so much more to a romantic relationships than love. love just simply is not enough. as human beings, we are all created BY love itself. therefore, the fabric of what we are is love. this is why so many of us have found ourselves in love with many different people, and each experience of love is legitimate. this is why men fall in love with men; they are both made of love. this is why women fall in love with women; they are both made of love. this is why men and women fall in love; they are both created by love itself. this is why two people whose personality traits and emotional predisposition are directly opposed to one another fall in love; they are both created by love. nevertheless; there are so many emotional possibilities out there. love is not a reason to get into a relationship with someone, love+compatibility however, are. but you cant know what type of lover and lifestyle you want until you discover that for yourself and figure yourself out.

so many people marry young out of the pressure to receive validation from society, without having done any internal work or without taking on any life experience. because of this, many of these marriages begin before the age of 25, each of them begin to discover more about who they are in their later 20’s and 30’s and what they want out of life, and then a divorce happens in their 40’s and/or fifties. divorce happens and it happens to everybody. it is not discriminate of your race, religion or socio-economic status. therefore it is crucial to be very conservative in your choice of a life partner. compatibility equals the same. i know and have experienced the whole ‘opposites attract’ in romantic relationships but that shit gets old and eventually creates conflict. an enduring bond is one where both people are on the same page in terms of what they want out of life and what type of lifestyle they want and they are emotionally similar and compatible. love is not enough.

number three: deal with your baggage. whoever you need to be to yourself before you meet the love of your life, you will still need to be that person afterwards. a lover comes into our lives as a request from our own spirit for realizing freedom. every person we encounter is a learning experience. many times people get married multiple times because they needed that marriage to see freedom through. the trick is to learn the lesson the first time it pursues you so that you don’t have to learn it over and over again. get a journal and write anything that comes into your mind. write three pages worth and unload your mind. go back into your childhood and articulate all of those micro-aggressions that trigger your wounds in social situations. then develop practical ways to cater and nurture those wounds. don’t let the sole purpose of your relationships be for you to heal, because you were unwilling to heal yourself. your relationships should be fun and emotionally supportive. take care of yourself on your own and then find someone who’s funny, hot and fun to be around and make out with. keep it simple.

a relationship is not the place to search for validation, to search for the permission to be who you are, for constant assurance, an emotional crutch or any of that shit. you do that for your damn self. save yourself the additional baggage and handle that on your own. its hard to do it by yourself but trust that its even harder in the company of an equally internally broken other.

heartbreak is all encompassing. you’re either always heartbroken or you’re always grateful. i know from personal experience how hurtful it can be that you still haven’t gotten to be in a relationship with someone that you really love and it looks like everyone around you does. but honestly truly, if were grateful then were thankful for the lessons that our lovers taught us, and we are grateful for the opportunity to heal and we are grateful that we get to be with someone who is perfect for us in the future.

happy healing!

 

xoxo

amber b

words of a woman

words of a woman is my mini-documentary series about women, inspired by boombox in the sky, my debut book of poetry and prose that you can purchase at my books tab. it was filmed by my girl samantha menses and directed and edited by myself.

boombox in the sky is a book of poetry purposed to humanize the complicated parts of ourselves, speak beauty love and truth to the wounded parts of ourselves and to inspire readers to use their free-will to choose their highest self. a critical component in achieving that level of self-love and self-awareness is through story telling. whether it be in a journal, to a friend or with a trained professional. we heal ourselves by telling our stories.

that is where words of a woman comes in. i decided to put my money where my mouth is by sharing my own story and invited two of my girlfriends to share theirs as well. i reflected on each of our stories on my instagram each week, as each story revealed new revelations about personal freedom, self-love and becoming the Highest version of ourselves.

my series started with my girl juanita–who is a writer and playwright–who questioned life’s meaning and her purpose in it and she did it so thoughtfully and effortlessly. “if this is all that life has to offer: a job that robs me of 90% of my life, dead end relationships and just this monotony. this emptiness. if this is it…[God] come get me.“ watch the full version below.

then we moved on to my girl Monique who is an actress pursuing her career in los angeles. she spoke about about how she’s walking in her purpose but still feels unsatisfied. she discusses experiencing instant gratification constantly in her carer and desiring a consistent fulfillment in its place. “i keep going back to that in my head [to ask myself] am i…full?” watch the full version below.

then we went onto my story. i spoke about constantly searching for myself in everything except truth and always finding myself disappointed afterwards. “i searched for myself in relationships, in success, in perfectionism, in physical beauty, in friendship–in everything.” watch the full version below.

words of a woman made us ask questions like:
-what is my purpose?
-what is true fulfillment?
-how do we forgive?
-why do we forgive?
-does the future have anything to offer me
that the present does not?

words of a woman was so revelatory to so many of us and for so many different reasons. one of many conclusions that i came to was that no one is to blame for anything that has transpired in my life and my healing is my own responsibility. please share your thoughts below and make sure to check out the full series above.

xoxo
amber