healing heartbreak part two

healing heartbreak by amber b coleman

 

low relationship standards

healing heartbreak is a slow process that requires commitment and self-compassion. you have to really align yourself with God and listen to your intuition because if you listen to the relationship standards of our culture which are so low and damaging and filled with quick fixes and toxic instant gratifiers you will regret it. the examples of relationships on television or in the songwriting of the top 10 on the radio are ones where both people are seeking purpose, self-confidence and fulfillment within one another. this misguided pursuit creates dysfunctional bonds where broken people get together and break each other down even more.

in our society we are encouraged to hurry up and get married instead of hurrying up and getting whole and pursuing our purpose. we are not encouraged to love ourselves first and then to love somebody else. pursuing your life’s purpose is a means of deep and intense healing which will alter your relationships for the better.

if your relationships don’t end on amicable terms—they’re broken relationships—if you hate your ex or vise versa, your relationship was one of brokenness. in my last post i discussed the mindset that often gets us into a cycle of broken relationships. today i’ll be discussing habits that will lead us into healthy relationship patters.

many times we can be really hard on ourselves about personal flaws that contribute to a relationships ending but a relationships ending is never only one persons fault so no need to take on the personal responsibility of the other party involved on top of your own. also at the days end our mistakes are truly just bad habits and habits are easily broken and restored with self-control.

when we stoop low in a relationship we are never proud of ourselves after doing so. when we give into anger or stalk our ex online, neither of these choices make us love ourselves more. the goal of this article is to help you make choices that will make you feel proud of yourself which will lead to self-love which will lead to healthier relationship patterns.

healing heartbreak: you win by not playing

you avoid having to go through the process of healing heartbreak by not even playing the rat race dating game. in the brokenness-dating-game there are the lovers that worship you and the ones that you worship. you always feel slighted by the ones you worship and hopefully you were delicate with the hearts that worshiped you. if not than you ARE the lovers that you feel slighted by and subsequently the thing that you don’t like.

the way you imagine who you are in each relationship is completely different. in the relationships where you are worshiped you are our highest self: you are beautiful you are loved you are amazing, interesting and worthy, but you sabotage this relationship because you lack self-love and do not respect your partner for making a bad investment–which is one in you.

in the relationships where you are doing the worshipping you need to be fixed because something is wrong with you, you need to gain love and you are almost—but just not enough. the way that you win this game is by not playing.

this game is about self-concept. if you see yourself as worthy and are self-validating then all you are looking to see is whether a relationship is the right fit for you. you are NOT trying to make someone like you or change someone. this doesn’t mean that you don’t show your interest–no–definitely show interest when you’re feeling somebody whether you’re male or female. but if they begin to behave in a way that says maybe they’re not ready for a relationship or maybe you two aren’t on the same page, gracefully step away from the relationship.

many people stick around because they’re desperate or unhappy despite seeing all of the red flags that the person that they’re dealing with is not ready or available to them. when this happens it is best for one to acknowledge that the following bad behaviors committed by their lover we not okay BUT also take responsibility that they ignored the red flags and didn’t love themselves which gave way to all of the crappery that transpired.

when a relationship doesn’t go the way you want—healthy or not—your self-esteem will always be vulnerable to the results. when this happens make sure to take care of yourself and do things that will remind you of your value. all of the transgressions committed by a lover and the wounds that follow are truly in your mind. this doesn’t diminish your experience or pain, but it’s true. your only identity is Child of God and its up to you to implement rituals that remind you of that truth such as a self-affirmation practice or meditation.

the foundation of a good fit is someone who is physically and emotionally available to be in a relationship with you.

healing heartbreak: make choices that make you proud

a major factor in becoming a healthy person and subsequently developing healthier relationships is by making choices that make you feel proud of who you are. one of the major habits that take place within broken relational bonds is social media stalking. you do this because you’re not over this person and not ready to move on or you want to look for any sign that this person may be hurt over the relationships end as well and that there’s still a chance for you two, or if you do this while you’re dating it is because you’re looking for confirmation that you’re enough for them.

social media stalking is truly an addiction especially in terms of a lover. instead of dealing with the trauma and negative emotions that came along with the relationships end which will help you in your healing heartbreak process, you instead avoid those feelings with stalking. or, instead of dealing with feelings of low self worth or being unworthy of good love, you perpetuate the issue and sabotage yourself by meditating on thoughts of unworthiness and self-doubt while social media stalking. then all of the toxic emotions just accrue over time making your self-healing job even harder. many times the toxic emotions that come up while stalking are easier to deal with than the feelings that come up when you have face yourself.

looking back on my not so distant past, on the bad habits that i used to engage with in such an unhealthy manner i now realize just how broken i was and just how broken one must be in order to engage in such unhealthy habits. making choices that make you proud of who you are is also addicting.

if you struggle with social media stalking its because you need a schedule and a purpose for social media. set guidelines for your self and timing restrictions. get accountability from a close friend, and always-always-always pour into your self-worth with a self-love practice.

healing heartbreak: love is what you make it

in my last post i discussed how love is not enough. love is fairly easy to find—if you want to find it—because we are all made by love and thus the fabric of who we are is love. love is not a reason to get into a relationship with someone but love + compatibility is.
but with that said. once you find that love + compatibility combination that you’re satisfied with, you will still come across bumps in the road and at that point, love is what you make it. the bumps will still be there but because you were shrewd about choosing your partner the bumps are worth it.

as i find my way into artistic entrepreneurship, i pay my bills as a substitute teacher in LA. i make my own schedule and can still afford a nice lifestyle while still having more than enough time to pursue my passion. first, I began substitute teaching middle school and high school. these students are going through a crazy phase hormonally. the switch from primary school to secondary school is dramatic as hell.

by the time they’ve reached middle school, they’re going where they’re going and its quite easy to tell. you can just point them out “i’ll see you in college, see you in rehab, see you in continuation school, see you at graduation” i’ve gotten sent to schools in south central on many occasions but the stress level via socio-economic environment only varies slightly; whether teaching in the hollywood hills or south central, middle school and high school kids all are super moody and often have bad attitudes towards authority, curse profusely and are not interested in being compliant; just like I was back then bahahah!

so i changed my preferences and began teaching primary school instead and wow! the difference is so stark. whether i get sent to the hood or the hollywood hills primary school kids want to learn, they want to be a good person and do the right thing, they are interested in integrity, they cry when they’re hurt and are so soft. they are also a lot of drama. hour on end students come to me with ‘teacher! teacher! she did this to me. teacher! teacher! she did that to me. teacher! teacher! my leg is tingling! teacher! teacher! its my birthday (its really not)’ non-stop.

i prefer primary school over high school by and large. its WAY better. but there are still moments where i find myself complaining. mind you a year ago while working in corporate america this is the life i prayed for. the life i was completely desperate for. the life that i was SURE that would help me enjoy life more. subbing was something that i was looking so forward to as well. and here i am, complaining. even after changing from high school to middle school. i’m still complaining. when i was teaching high school i could hand out a piece of homework and be done with teaching and go on to read a book or work on my art/business for the rest of the period while students work away independently.

with primary school kids you are always ‘on’. there are few to no moments of independent study, but the difference in their attitudes are what make or break the job for me. i found myself one day after transferring to primary school saying to myself, ‘i don’t know if i even like working with primary school kids. i wonder what job is the one for me?’ and then an answer came into my consciousness:

‘the job that is the one for you is the one that you’ll be grateful for.
the one that you will choose not run away from the hard questions with
and are willing to go through all of the different
phases with’

damn.

and after you’ve understood what you want out of life and who you are, and subsequently what type of lover you want, that’s what love becomes: what you make it. are you grateful for your person? are you running away from yourself or are you asking all of those tough questions and actually allowing yourself to come into an actual relationship with someone? one where you work through your issues which allows you to become even more emotionally intimate.

so where are you on your healing heartbreak journey? do you need to work on self-love, boundaries and your purpose and dreams? do you need to sort through your past and find healing for the present? in my observation, experiencing broken relationships and subsequently having to go through healing heartbreak comes from ignoring red flags, a lack of personal boundaries and low-self-esteem. each of these are avoided by personal responsibility.

always remember when healing heartbreak: your relationship was broken, not you. don’t try and forgive someone for overstepping your boundaries because doing so is an impossible task. instead work on forgiving yourself for not setting boundaries and not acting in away that says that you believe that you deserve a happy healthy relationship with someone who is capable of loving you well. when you focus on forgiving yourself and being self-compassionate there is so much more room for healing heartbreak.

xoxo

 

amber b

 

here are a few related articles for further insight:

a guide to building healthy habits:

https://zenhabits.net/7-little-habits-that-can-change-your-life-and-how-to-form-them/

on social media staking:

http://community.sparknotes.com/2016/05/23/real-talk-i-cant-stop-stalking-my-ex-on-social-media

on building healthy self-esteem: 

http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/self-esteem-in-a-nutshell-when-you-believe-youre-not-good-enough-to-drive-your-own-life/

on paying attention to red flags:

https://www.elitedaily.com/dating/relationship-red-flags-first-date/1381784

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