the power of choice and time

the power of choice and time by amber b coleman

i have been so convicted about choice and time lately. so so deeply moved by the power of our personal choice and the ruthlessness of ‘time’. time is so ruthless! it does not care what your starting point in life is, doesn’t care if you’re having a bad day, doesn’t care if you refuse to let go of self-doubt and crippling perfectionism. it just continues to move forward with or without your beneficial choices.

time is like the ocean, sun, wind and moon. its like animals and sand. they will continue to BE with or without you and your acknowledgement that they ARE. when we leave this earth they will still continue to be life-giving beautiful sources of peace, if we choose see them as such.

nature and time are God.

time is a ruthless truth but also a grand act of love from God. the ruthlessness of time makes our choice black or white. you’re either all in or you’re not. you do don’t get to be gray, which is a gift.

choice and time: our will vs divine will
in terms of choice and time, many times we call ourselves waiting on God when truly God is waiting on us. we call ourselves trying to search for the will of God when the will of God is what we desire. for some reason we humans have evolved into spiritually grappling with the will of God. we have evolved into grappling with whether we believe that we get to have what we desire or not because we believe that we are so wretched. we are worthy of what we want. we deserve what we want: peace, joy, happiness and fulfillment.

if it’s not working force that shit. its not a struggle because we’re not meant to have it, its a struggle because there’s something for us to learn. we are allowed to have what we want.

choice and time: internalism vs. externalism
honestly truly. everything we are searching for is within. the way that we manage our time and our choices is by being an internalist.

externalism suggest that our environment determines who we are and what become, that the perceptions of others have the ultimate affect on our self-concept and our overall outlook and that we have no control over our thoughts and feelings because the source of them is outside of ourselves. externalism is disempowering and oppressive. it encourages co-dependence, low-self-esteem and a lack of boundaries.

internalism gives the power back to its source, it is active and is takes conscious effort. internalism affirms that each individual is a drop of God and therefore capable of infinite possibilities. internalism encourages interdependent relationships instead of co-dependent ones and calls for each individual to have their own identity instead of relying on others for it. internalism creates room for God to breathe life over our vision while externalism leaves one powerless to a perspective of death.

embracing a perspective of internalism is liberating, empowering and a joy filled approach to living.
choice and time: we are not what we do
when i think if internalism, it reminds me that we are not what we do. we are not human doing’s—but instead—we are human beings. so many times we set a goal and project so much unto it. i remember when i got my first full time job after graduating college and shortly thereafter so many false beliefs about it shattered. i thought it was going to make me feel like i was good enough, make me happy and fullfilled, make me feel complete and essentially make every single one of my insecurities go away. and unsurprisingly. it didn’t.

even as i continue to create my dream career in the art world, the more checks i mark off of my list. the more disillusioned i become. the check marks don’t make me happy! don’t get it twisted. i love this career much more than what i was doing in the corporate world, but it still doesn’t fill my spiritual well.

i even got a little embarrassed recently. a part of me was pursuing this career for personal fulfillment and another side for power and respect. but both of the later rely on the outside perspective of others and that externalism oppresses me. anyway, no one with a frame of mind that desires-to-gain-power wants to give away their power anyway so that side of my pursuit was toxic, futile and dysfunctional. i am learning that, the only way for me to enjoy this career is to do it with complete and total authenticity;

to do it with my wholeness and my brokenness. my confusion and my security, my fear and my joy, my perfectionism and my God given talent and wear all of these on my sleeve. to observe myself and my life with a humility and a surrender that understands that we are all in process and that we are not what we do, and to greet the personal choices of others with the same humility.

what you do is not who you are. there are plenty of depressed dancers out there. there are plenty of people doing what you dream of doing and are not passionate about their career and are unhappy.

it is literally all in our minds. the love we desire to feel, the comfort we search for, it all lies in the thoughts we choose to think, and in our capability to access the divine source that we come from through prayer and meditation.

choice and time love: is a choice only you can make
surrender is such a peaceful place to be and self-love is such a powerful declaration of surrender. when we take care of ourselves, tend to our dreams and lifestyle, make our morning before work a savory moment filled with joy and a candle lit moment in bed with a book before its time to sleep a laughter filled moment infused with peace, we are loving ourselves with a surrender to God that says: your love is enough.

the week is almost over, but lets end it by searching for the beauty in the mundane and by being grateful for it all.

 

 

xoxo,

 

 

amber b

 

here are a few websites that are related:

https://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/your-perception-of-your-choices-has-a-lot-to-do-with-your-self-esteem/

 

http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/choices-weve-all-got-to-make-them-so-why-give-you-a-hard-time-for-not-living-a-fantasy/

https://www.huffingtonpost.com/lubna-najjar/the-power-of-choice_1_b_6683212.html

 

https://www.joycemeyer.org/everydayanswers/ea-teachings/the-power-of-a-right-choice

 

 

 

 

boundaries for beginners

boundaries for beginners by amber b, wordtothewise.coa boundary is an act of self-compassion.
a boundary is when a self-loving individual
draws an emotional line in the sand that
guards their capacity to:
trust themselves
hear their truth/intuition
love themselves
take care of themselves
heal themselves
and honor exactly how they feel and not
how their ‘supposed’ to feel in order to please
other people and not have to deal with their baggage.

many people don’t even know what the fuck a boundary is because you’re so used to putting other peoples opinions above your own. or maybe you’ve advanced to a place where you’re able to hear your truth and then speak it most of the time but you often find yourself either upset with yourself because you didn’t speak your truth or feeling guilty because you did.

boundaries are so multi-layered and have so many pre-requisites to effectively setting them.
below are a few of the pre-requisites to figuring out what your boundaries are, how to communicate them to others and how to reduce feelings of guilt when you do set them.

disclaimer: you’re boundaries are whatever you say they are. YOU qualify them. don’t look externally for confirmation look within.

 

self-compassion

so often as women we our encouraged to extend our understanding towards others without regard to our emotional needs. in order to be considered acceptable to society we are told to take on a mother-fucking teresa complex and give our empathy and our compassion to others and totally forget ourselves. we are told to be meek and demure and accommodating in order to get people to like us, as if external likability is our greatest achievement in life.

i grew up in a conservative christian household, once i got into college i strayed away and then came back to the faith more conservative than ever. during this time period and within this community of believers that i associated with the school of thinking that we all embodied was that we were all wretched sinners who were inherently wrong and because of this wrongness we owed it to God to always assume our intentions were bad and to put others before ourselves because we thought of ourselves WAY too much.

we were encouraged to always go above and beyond to serve others and give of ourselves without regard to our emotional limitations and financial limitations. during this time period i also dated someone who blamed every conflict we had on me. we were young as hell so the conflict was rampant and often occurring. because of a lack of boundaries, self-confidence and a whole bunch of other shit, the idea that every problem was of my creating was ingrained into my mind within the context of a romantic relationship for a total of three years.

an experience that i deeply regret. each of these experiences—along with growing up in a household with a penchant for guilt tripping—developed within in me a psychological complex that i am inherently wrong which has made learning self-compassion a total mind fuck—but never the less, slowly but surely a game changer.

self-compassion is an act of treating yourself like a good friend. so many of us have this harsh inner critic in our minds telling us that we are not enough. it scrutinizes everything that we say and do, its so harsh when we make an understandable misjudgment. it says ‘you’re so dumb why did you do that?’ self-compassion means that you give YOUR DAMN SELF the benefit of the doubt when making choices.

when you give yourself the benefit of the doubt you have to understand and be okay with the fact that some people are not going to agree with your view and thats ok. when you respect that you are going to be self-compassionate even though someone else is not going to take on your view and when you do not brush away that emotional line that you have drawn in the sand you are respecting your boundaries and creating room in your life to love and nurture yourself and your self-love.

when you’re self-compassionate you don’t feed the harsh critic or the self-doubt monster but instead treat yourself like a good friend and say ‘ [insert name here] i love you and am so proud of who you are, you made that decision because you were coming from a good place, you are a good person, you are talented and worthy of love, so go on about your day with a clear concious because your deserve the benefit of the doubt’ or “[insert name here] i know you made a mistake but guess what? everyone does. this miscalculation is not a set back but a learning experience. you still deserve your own love even if your action was misguided. learn the lesson forgive yourself and then do something nice for yourself to establish this new beginning that is about to take place’.

also, go back into your history and find out where that critical voice comes from and honor your wound and come to terms with it in a way that empowers you.

you have power

often times we fail to set boundaries for ourselves for others to respect because we don’t even know that we have power.

you have power. period. no matter what position you’re in.

whether you’re the consumer, the borrower, the intern, the sublet, the weaker vessel, the one who’s made the miscalculation, the employee, the rookie. you have power. you have a right to be treated with dignity, care and respect. you do not have to default to doing shit that you don’t like because you are not in the predominant position of power momentarily. you still get to have boundaries.

this comes from an internal knowing that every relationship is mutually beneficial and that no matter what goes down in life, it will go on and you’ll be fine.

it is inevitable for us all that one day we will become desperate for help from the hands that served us once upon a time. this isn’t because of karma, this is because we ALL have value and we ALL have something to offer others. but people who exploit their power fail to realize that and miss out because of it.

this doesn’t mean that you’re not contrite when you make a mistake or grateful when someone helps you, no. this means that thank you and sorry are enough. you did not force that someone to help you, that was their decision that they made all by themselves so them acting like they can treat you poorly is them overstepping a boundary and bad behavior on their part. additionally if were saying sorry and moving on you don’t get to drag me through the mud and mistreat me.

don’t be a passenger

this is an extension of the last point, but this one calls for proactivity. many of us just want to hop into someone else’s abundance instead of find ourselves and create our own to share with someone else who’s also found their own abundance. you want to simply be a passenger instead of a co-pilot. this habit causes us to not even think about boundaries, all your thinking about is how to gain this persons approval and keep them in your life.

or contrarily, have you ever dated someone who you loved, shared the same values with, wanted the same things out of life, we’re emotionally compatible with, but still experience a high level of doubt with or feared long-term commitment? its because you’re being a passenger. there is someone that you need to be to yourself that you still have yet to be. you want to find a relationship that stops you from having to show up for yourself and that relationship is nonexistent.

but nevertheless you break up with people over and over again searching for that person that stops you from having to be the person you’ve always needed to be to yourself and go from relationship to relationship. that ‘person’ you’re searching for is what is called a driver and in a relationship with a driver everything is on their terms and there is no room for you, your feelings, your perspective, your fears, your nothing. ultimately, all you can ask for in life is a co-pilot partner that you like who wants the same things out of life as you and is actively striving towards those things.

you are the driver of your own life and a co-pilot in relationships. setting healthy boundaries requires that we know who we are and what we want and need in relationships.

this passage was all about maintaining healthy boundaries for ourselves, the next will be on how to respect other people boundaries and how this empowers us, too.

 

 

xoxo,

 

amber b

 

here are some related and helpful articles on boundaries:

 

https://psychcentral.com/lib/10-way-to-build-and-preserve-better-boundaries/

 

https://www.huffingtonpost.com/jennifer-twardowski/6-steps-to-setting-boundaries-in-relationships_b_6142248.html

http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/10-fundamental-lessons-onboundaries-in-relationships-part-1/

https://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/boundaries-stop-asking-for-permission/

healing heartbreak part two

healing heartbreak by amber b coleman

 

low relationship standards

healing heartbreak is a slow process that requires commitment and self-compassion. you have to really align yourself with God and listen to your intuition because if you listen to the relationship standards of our culture which are so low and damaging and filled with quick fixes and toxic instant gratifiers you will regret it. the examples of relationships on television or in the songwriting of the top 10 on the radio are ones where both people are seeking purpose, self-confidence and fulfillment within one another. this misguided pursuit creates dysfunctional bonds where broken people get together and break each other down even more.

in our society we are encouraged to hurry up and get married instead of hurrying up and getting whole and pursuing our purpose. we are not encouraged to love ourselves first and then to love somebody else. pursuing your life’s purpose is a means of deep and intense healing which will alter your relationships for the better.

if your relationships don’t end on amicable terms—they’re broken relationships—if you hate your ex or vise versa, your relationship was one of brokenness. in my last post i discussed the mindset that often gets us into a cycle of broken relationships. today i’ll be discussing habits that will lead us into healthy relationship patters.

many times we can be really hard on ourselves about personal flaws that contribute to a relationships ending but a relationships ending is never only one persons fault so no need to take on the personal responsibility of the other party involved on top of your own. also at the days end our mistakes are truly just bad habits and habits are easily broken and restored with self-control.

when we stoop low in a relationship we are never proud of ourselves after doing so. when we give into anger or stalk our ex online, neither of these choices make us love ourselves more. the goal of this article is to help you make choices that will make you feel proud of yourself which will lead to self-love which will lead to healthier relationship patterns.

healing heartbreak: you win by not playing

you avoid having to go through the process of healing heartbreak by not even playing the rat race dating game. in the brokenness-dating-game there are the lovers that worship you and the ones that you worship. you always feel slighted by the ones you worship and hopefully you were delicate with the hearts that worshiped you. if not than you ARE the lovers that you feel slighted by and subsequently the thing that you don’t like.

the way you imagine who you are in each relationship is completely different. in the relationships where you are worshiped you are our highest self: you are beautiful you are loved you are amazing, interesting and worthy, but you sabotage this relationship because you lack self-love and do not respect your partner for making a bad investment–which is one in you.

in the relationships where you are doing the worshipping you need to be fixed because something is wrong with you, you need to gain love and you are almost—but just not enough. the way that you win this game is by not playing.

this game is about self-concept. if you see yourself as worthy and are self-validating then all you are looking to see is whether a relationship is the right fit for you. you are NOT trying to make someone like you or change someone. this doesn’t mean that you don’t show your interest–no–definitely show interest when you’re feeling somebody whether you’re male or female. but if they begin to behave in a way that says maybe they’re not ready for a relationship or maybe you two aren’t on the same page, gracefully step away from the relationship.

many people stick around because they’re desperate or unhappy despite seeing all of the red flags that the person that they’re dealing with is not ready or available to them. when this happens it is best for one to acknowledge that the following bad behaviors committed by their lover we not okay BUT also take responsibility that they ignored the red flags and didn’t love themselves which gave way to all of the crappery that transpired.

when a relationship doesn’t go the way you want—healthy or not—your self-esteem will always be vulnerable to the results. when this happens make sure to take care of yourself and do things that will remind you of your value. all of the transgressions committed by a lover and the wounds that follow are truly in your mind. this doesn’t diminish your experience or pain, but it’s true. your only identity is Child of God and its up to you to implement rituals that remind you of that truth such as a self-affirmation practice or meditation.

the foundation of a good fit is someone who is physically and emotionally available to be in a relationship with you.

healing heartbreak: make choices that make you proud

a major factor in becoming a healthy person and subsequently developing healthier relationships is by making choices that make you feel proud of who you are. one of the major habits that take place within broken relational bonds is social media stalking. you do this because you’re not over this person and not ready to move on or you want to look for any sign that this person may be hurt over the relationships end as well and that there’s still a chance for you two, or if you do this while you’re dating it is because you’re looking for confirmation that you’re enough for them.

social media stalking is truly an addiction especially in terms of a lover. instead of dealing with the trauma and negative emotions that came along with the relationships end which will help you in your healing heartbreak process, you instead avoid those feelings with stalking. or, instead of dealing with feelings of low self worth or being unworthy of good love, you perpetuate the issue and sabotage yourself by meditating on thoughts of unworthiness and self-doubt while social media stalking. then all of the toxic emotions just accrue over time making your self-healing job even harder. many times the toxic emotions that come up while stalking are easier to deal with than the feelings that come up when you have face yourself.

looking back on my not so distant past, on the bad habits that i used to engage with in such an unhealthy manner i now realize just how broken i was and just how broken one must be in order to engage in such unhealthy habits. making choices that make you proud of who you are is also addicting.

if you struggle with social media stalking its because you need a schedule and a purpose for social media. set guidelines for your self and timing restrictions. get accountability from a close friend, and always-always-always pour into your self-worth with a self-love practice.

healing heartbreak: love is what you make it

in my last post i discussed how love is not enough. love is fairly easy to find—if you want to find it—because we are all made by love and thus the fabric of who we are is love. love is not a reason to get into a relationship with someone but love + compatibility is.
but with that said. once you find that love + compatibility combination that you’re satisfied with, you will still come across bumps in the road and at that point, love is what you make it. the bumps will still be there but because you were shrewd about choosing your partner the bumps are worth it.

as i find my way into artistic entrepreneurship, i pay my bills as a substitute teacher in LA. i make my own schedule and can still afford a nice lifestyle while still having more than enough time to pursue my passion. first, I began substitute teaching middle school and high school. these students are going through a crazy phase hormonally. the switch from primary school to secondary school is dramatic as hell.

by the time they’ve reached middle school, they’re going where they’re going and its quite easy to tell. you can just point them out “i’ll see you in college, see you in rehab, see you in continuation school, see you at graduation” i’ve gotten sent to schools in south central on many occasions but the stress level via socio-economic environment only varies slightly; whether teaching in the hollywood hills or south central, middle school and high school kids all are super moody and often have bad attitudes towards authority, curse profusely and are not interested in being compliant; just like I was back then bahahah!

so i changed my preferences and began teaching primary school instead and wow! the difference is so stark. whether i get sent to the hood or the hollywood hills primary school kids want to learn, they want to be a good person and do the right thing, they are interested in integrity, they cry when they’re hurt and are so soft. they are also a lot of drama. hour on end students come to me with ‘teacher! teacher! she did this to me. teacher! teacher! she did that to me. teacher! teacher! my leg is tingling! teacher! teacher! its my birthday (its really not)’ non-stop.

i prefer primary school over high school by and large. its WAY better. but there are still moments where i find myself complaining. mind you a year ago while working in corporate america this is the life i prayed for. the life i was completely desperate for. the life that i was SURE that would help me enjoy life more. subbing was something that i was looking so forward to as well. and here i am, complaining. even after changing from high school to middle school. i’m still complaining. when i was teaching high school i could hand out a piece of homework and be done with teaching and go on to read a book or work on my art/business for the rest of the period while students work away independently.

with primary school kids you are always ‘on’. there are few to no moments of independent study, but the difference in their attitudes are what make or break the job for me. i found myself one day after transferring to primary school saying to myself, ‘i don’t know if i even like working with primary school kids. i wonder what job is the one for me?’ and then an answer came into my consciousness:

‘the job that is the one for you is the one that you’ll be grateful for.
the one that you will choose not run away from the hard questions with
and are willing to go through all of the different
phases with’

damn.

and after you’ve understood what you want out of life and who you are, and subsequently what type of lover you want, that’s what love becomes: what you make it. are you grateful for your person? are you running away from yourself or are you asking all of those tough questions and actually allowing yourself to come into an actual relationship with someone? one where you work through your issues which allows you to become even more emotionally intimate.

so where are you on your healing heartbreak journey? do you need to work on self-love, boundaries and your purpose and dreams? do you need to sort through your past and find healing for the present? in my observation, experiencing broken relationships and subsequently having to go through healing heartbreak comes from ignoring red flags, a lack of personal boundaries and low-self-esteem. each of these are avoided by personal responsibility.

always remember when healing heartbreak: your relationship was broken, not you. don’t try and forgive someone for overstepping your boundaries because doing so is an impossible task. instead work on forgiving yourself for not setting boundaries and not acting in away that says that you believe that you deserve a happy healthy relationship with someone who is capable of loving you well. when you focus on forgiving yourself and being self-compassionate there is so much more room for healing heartbreak.

xoxo

 

amber b

 

here are a few related articles for further insight:

a guide to building healthy habits:

https://zenhabits.net/7-little-habits-that-can-change-your-life-and-how-to-form-them/

on social media staking:

http://community.sparknotes.com/2016/05/23/real-talk-i-cant-stop-stalking-my-ex-on-social-media

on building healthy self-esteem: 

http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/self-esteem-in-a-nutshell-when-you-believe-youre-not-good-enough-to-drive-your-own-life/

on paying attention to red flags:

https://www.elitedaily.com/dating/relationship-red-flags-first-date/1381784