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Feeling successful is not the result of accomplishment
feeling good enough is not the result of
becoming the person you’ve always wanted
it is the result of cherishing who you’ve always been

At this point in my life, I’ve gotten to cross off quite a few goals at the top of my bucket list:
I’ve watched the ball drop in New York on New Years Eve
I’ve seen Niagara Falls in Canada
Ive been to Paris
Amsterdam
Italy
and London
I’m going to Hawaii Next Month
I’ve sang in front of crowds of people besides themselves
I’m learning the guitar
I’ve traveled one of the underground railroads of the African Slaves from Ohio to New York
I got my BA
and the list goes on.

And with as much momentary excitement as all of these experiences has offered me, the more experiences I get to have, the more I realize that, there is a part of me that expected to become more fulfilled and complete–over all–by these experiences.

There was a portion of me that wished “In New York, I will be Fulfilled. After I get my Bachelors degree, I will fell accomplished” and these wishes simply never came true.

if I can be at peace
then any place on earth is the best place on earth
if i can have joy
and dwell in the house of the Lord–that exists inside of me–everyday
then I can have what I’ve always been looking for

what we wish for
is a clean sleight
a new beginning
an atmosphere that doesn’t remind us of our mistakes so much

and we can get to that place
but it is not somewhere that we can travel to
we have to create that place within ourselves, all by ourself

we have to look at the present moment
dead in the face
and say
I’m ready to get my shit together

there’s no short cut or easy way out
no relationship or vacation will get you away from yourself
you have to face the music
face your music

-Amber B

incommon

chasing you meant
running away from myself
wanting you meant
avoiding myself
and my own happiness
but at that time
facing myself was
too scary
too too scary
my wounds were too heavy
they would have killed me at that time
loss of blood
So I chased you
and then I caught you
it was kind of surprising.
and then you fell in love with me
and we would miscommunicate
and you would run away from conflict
and i’d over react
and i’d forgive
and i’d forgive
and i’d forgive
and i’d forgive
and i’d make you feel insecure
and you were in love with me
Deep
and I was in love with you
and then one day
i didn’t know anymore
all i knew was you
and you were all i knew
because back then I HAD to have you
had to
had to
i was weak
i wasnt strong enough to face myself
my wounds were too deep
they would have killed me at the time
loss of blood
but now
i don’t know how to be alone
all i know is you
but now
i don’t know who i am
or what my truth is
or what I want out of life
but now
I don’t know anymore

This is common
i’ve heard this story many different times
from many different humans
maybe its not because the relationship wasn’t meant to be
maybe its because we don’t spend enough time with ourselves
maybe its because we aren’t satisfied
with anything
I won’t let myself believe that
it is a good thing to allow our dissatisfaction
to lead us to achievement and accolades
we were meant to be true
we were meant to be real
we were meant to be satisfied

Some thoughts this Thursday.

-Amber B

why not?

There’s a rate-race-dating-mentality
that’s super prevalent among my fellow twenty-somethings
everyones afraid
no ones saying how they really feel
quick to give up
to force things
why give up so easily?
let go, sure
but why, give up?
men are all predisposed in the same fashion
women are all predisposed in the same fashion
we only vary by the level of our mental and emotional health
one of my best friends and I we’re on the phone a few days ago
discussing her love life
and after a divorce and a messy relationship with a substance abuser, she’s finally met someone who’s healthier than most
but even so, they still have troubles.
it really stuck with me when, during our conversation she said to me
–in a deeply confused tone
“I don’t know what a ‘good’ relationship is”
She meant this in the perfectionist sense

why all the judgement?
the rigid rules on how to ‘be’
we’re all in process after all
why not relax
& enjoy the moment
why not try
with all of the light inside of you
to see the truth of another
to see if you can help them
to see if you can accept them exactly as they are
laugh with them
and then let them grow and figure out how to heal themselves
and you do the same, take care of yourself
allow space within the process
your process
together

Repeat

why not
find your own completion and play by your own rules
on your own terms
Why not?

-Amber B

Monday Night Musings

Even on the days that I waste my time, and engage with activities that are not conducive to the sustainability of a healthy self-esteem, I just laugh it off because this whole ‘life’ thing is completely meaningless…

which is fucking hilarious

The spirit of God is the Highest good. It is literally heaven, and it exists within you. Us. Stop searching. You have access to it right now. like right-now-right-now.

It is all you need to have a happy, peaceful and ‘Good’ life. Everything else is a distraction.

Becoming a better person=distraction

Chasing your dreams=distraction

Being anxious=distraction

Working a lot=distraction

Wishing for a vacation=distraction

Distraction from what? From the fact that–in your opinion–who you are and what you have, now

are not enough.

-Amber B

On Being a Woman

In how many ways
can we
adorn our bodies?
In an attempt to
Be “beautiful”
In an attempt to
Feel loved

Long hair

Tiny frame

Mother Teresa complex

Face masked with make up
Heart full of fear
Mind full of angst

Why don’t we
approach the definition of Beauty
with

Curiosity

and

Honesty?

Why don’t we

Redefine beauty in a way that accommodates us

Instead of vise versa

Why don’t we

Together
Reject

Physical perfectionism
Emotional perfectionism
Interpersonal perfectionism

Politeness

Why not, instead

Be real

Be real nice
really nice

I’d rather be real mean
than fake nice

-Amber B

I know I was a bit silent last month. I’ve been creating. and wrestling. and creating. and wrestling. You’ll hear from me again soon enough. Its nice to know that you’re rooting for me as I find my way ❤ Here's another piece

You are never truly alone
at the very least
very least
you are

With
Yourself

When you say "I am lonely"
you are saying

'i can not bear it any longer to be with, my lonely self'

'I cannot bear it too much longer to be with, my empty self'

lonliness is an emotional state
It is a thought that's reminding you that you aren't

totally present

It is a ghosts from your past, lingering in your present

lying to you

But

If you focus on it
Stop thinking
Breathe deeply

Thank God for breath
Thank God for life
Thank God for health

And watch in awe
as your lonliness
transmutes into

sweet solitude

-Amber B

Speak soon!