impermanence

A few months ago, I set out to become more forward focused and make my present into something more appealing than my past. I was focusing a bit too much on what I didn’t want instead of what I did. So, I decided to focus on redesigning my website, get new head-shots for dance auditions and create video footage for my new redesigned website… As I began to direct my energies towards creating an appealing present I started to reach out to my contacts/friends who are creatives to help me actualize my goals. Connecting was easy, creating was more challenging but fun, but the actual execution was the hardest part. With each leap and each risk I took towards my dreams, my expectations were never fulfilled; things seldom turned out as I had planned. With each unmet expectation I’d adapt adjust and create a new vision for myself and keep pushing forward. Even then—new vision and adjusted expectations in hand—I’d encountered even more unexpected twists. People and experiences that I placed all of my hopes for success in inevitably fell through, multiple times, and what I thought would be a fun and easy journey to dream actualization ended up being a journey filled with all of these obstacles and lessons; lessons that will prepare me to manage and maintain my dreams but with a good perspective. The journey is still currently unfolding and the current lesson I am learning is about impermanence;

The impermanence of sadness, joy, fulfillment and failure. The impermanence of the accessibility of my video-ographer, or the excitement I feel right before and shortly after buying a new pair of designer boots. The hikes and declines in our well-being are fleeting and guaranteed and all that is left that is in our control is our ability to trust God, accept ourselves and discover all of the ways in the present moment that God is showing us that he loves us.

There’s this rush that I get whenever I publish a blog post. It feels exciting. I love to feel excited, who doesn’t? That’s what attracts us to romance, gossip, fighting and even eating; it’s that dopamine rush. But once I realized the impermanence of this rush, I still loved to write, but my purpose for writing came to mind.

“Why do I write? On A blog…for subscribers…an audience even. Am I performing for applause?”

I thought to myself, “I can still write for the rush-the rush is fun, but I also want to write for a reason that feels good for a longer period of time than right before, during and right after I press that ‘publish post’ button. The only way to do that is to write from a place of completion; from a place of abundance.”

When I write, I am giving. Giving away a part of me. I don’t want to give if I need something in return for my giving. I don’t want to give for gratification, applause or a specific response. If I can’t give without wanting I don’t want to give at all. If I am giving while wanting something in return then I am giving out of desperation and not abundance and desperate giving is incomplete; it is not changing both the giver and the recipient. In a lot of cases, when the giver gives out of desperation (for something in return) they don’t know how to give in an empowering way, only in an enabling way, and in those instances no one is changed by the giving.

Giving from a place of desperation, in order to receive fleeting emotions in return, makes the reality of impermanence devastating. Catastrophic. When you give from a place of desperation your world is always ending, the sky is always falling. If you do not get what you want from your giving, you cannot “be ok”

Impermanence, for me, means that my only means of survival is to become God sufficient. Self-sufficient. It means that I become one with the present and one with what God allows to become of my life. It means I drop my expectations and trust the process. Impermanence to me means that no-thing belongs to me. I don’t own anything or anyone. My only job is to be loved. Only after I am loved, then, my job becomes to give love. Impermanence is death. Everything dies. Facing death and confronting impermanence is complicated, but on the other side of its complicated-ness I have found beauty, freedom and completion

 

 

An essay,

 

Amber B

 


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